The last week has been a roller coaster of emotions: excitement, fear, joy, panic, and heart break. We got a call early last week about a birthmom who popped into our adoption agency looking for forever parents for her unborn baby girl. She was Choctaw so it was an easy match since John has his Choctaw registration card. We felt like this was the little doll baby that would complete our family. We have had 2 failed adoptions since March and we really believed all the brokeness was leading up to this blessing..
We were honored to witness sweet baby Nora Sophia Rose's birth on Friday morning and spent the next several days bonding with her and her birthmom. We brought her home with us on Saturday afternoon and introduced her to family and friends. Turner & Lydia instantly fell in love with their "Baby Nora".
Then out of no where- our world was turned upside down by one little call....on Monday the birthmom had changed her mind, she had decided to parent.
NOT AGAIN God, PLEASE....my heart can't take it.....
Needless to say, this song explains EXACTLY how I am feeling...absolutely worn, my heart is heavy.....I have been mediatating to this song every day because I don't even know what to pray for - but God knows my heart and my hurt
Yesterday I was doing a new devotional and it really spoke to me. Often as Christians, we pray to get "out" of the hurt and pain....but just maybe we should pray for God to help us "through" the pain instead.
I was reminded by a dear friend, counselor, and mentor that many times in the Bible Jesus wept and so did those who followed him. I often feel guilty and ashamed to grieve because if I have complete faith and trust in God, isn't grieving going against him....NO. I needed that reminder that it's ok to be sad, angry, cry out to God and ask WHY. I have no doubt he is weeping with me as we navigate through this pain and heart ache.
So what now......we have decided to put our profile on hold for at least 3 months and spend alot of time in prayer and fasting. I have no doubt God will reveal his desire for our family during this time.
In the meantime we will enjoy all the blessings God has given us and cling to the truth that His Love NEVER Fails.